Letting go to God

4 Mar

I often think ‘Holy spirit, read to me…’ You know, it’s what conditioned Christians expect. That’s what he’s there for – to read the word of God to us, to make it alive, to reveal its knowledge in us. And then, like the good little conditioned Christian that I am, I forget that God is an author.

I forget to say to him, ‘God, write for me… speak for me, decide for me, live for me…’ I’m not advocating the kind of practice that makes some Christians think God wants to dumb us down. Uh. That’s silly – after all, he went to the trouble of making us intelligent, giving us choice, making us creators. Y’know, he really could have made it easier on himself (if one can use ‘easy’ in the context of God) – if he wanted to.

If. Ah, the point is he didn’t. He didn’t really want to. He wanted us. Who we are, not what people think we should be. He knows who we are better than we know ourselves. That’s the conundrum really – he’ll make me a better me. He won’t make me a ‘Christian’ – that’s a term we came up with and have changed the definition of so often – he will fill me instead with a passion for Christ. Now, that would probably make me a Christian in the truest sense of the word, but God doesn’t set about labelling me and putting me in a certain pew in a certain church in a certain denomination to define me. He might put me there to refine me instead, to meet with him, to touch his face. But he will do the defining. I am who I am only because he made me.

If I just let him, he’ll live in me and be the person I am but can never be. Nothing I force myself to be but the very real Writeroo. The essence of her that is buried under all the debris of society, education, culture, memory, experience and relationships. An essence that is shaped by these things but just as much obscured by these things, because all I see is their shadow.

I don’t see me cowering in the giant shadow. But God does. And that’s why I want this so much:

 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.      Gal 2:20

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