Reviewing the week – oh, and philosophising, of course :)

22 Oct

I often wonder why I leave family, people. Every time I get on a plane. And my eyes are all teary and, of course, the air hostesses are all so scarily beautiful and perfect and try to ignore your puffy face.

I left this time because I knew the Lord wanted me here to do this thing. I have to remember that. In the pressures in deciding what research to do, I am very tempted to choose a practical path, one that will make my life easier, one that my supervisor obviously wants me to do. But I must remember that while the choice is not necessarily mutually exclusive, it is no choice at all. I wait on God and do what He wants me to do. Sometimes, yes – that’s confusing. But sometimes I allow myself to put it off.

And in the stress of dealing with a house that is close to breaking down, and people who keep assuming I have it together and have shoulder-space for all of them together on different points repeatedly, this homesick week has hit a little harder than I expect. šŸ™‚

Just a little harder though – I still love chocolate šŸ˜‰

I think I’ve run away from facing God these past couple of days. And that’s not a denial of His presence at all. No one is ever as real to me as He is. No one’s ever been. But if you’ve read this blog long enough, you’ll know what I mean. I just sometimes shy away from a conversation that God is longing to have with me. To show me the depths of my heart… because, well, honestly, I don’t want to see the depths of my heart. I’d much rather just joke about my emotions. With God. And laugh and read His word, and never let him do the cleansing while I’m awake. I think that’s what it’s felt like for the past couple of days.

Because intense things have happened; they’ve taken away time from an extremely intense and pressurized academic workload; emotional work is tiring and I’m facing someone’s unexpected emotions every day; then I come home and realise I’ve failed to face mine in the busy-ness; I’ve misunderstood some assignments and now I understand them, I’m still delaying dealing with them; and I miss being in a family every day šŸ˜‰

It is weird, this culture we build for ourselves. We’ve sidelined community for internationalism. I love internationalism, I enjoy the theories and even as simple a practice as being surrounded by worshippers across the world. I believe in community that God creates for us, through an understanding of our heart. And our heart would be… well, God. If we set it on him, and not on anything else. So the communion and intimacy that comes in fellowship is wonderful. But if you look at Acts 2, or 1 for that matter, it is so much more than what we have today. We’ve sanitized the word ‘community’ for something we do in our lives at regular intervals. If we replaced it with ‘family’ – what would you have?

I shoulda known that year at home would spoil me rotten šŸ˜‰ !

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