Last Day Lessons

31 Dec

I’ve been reading so much about pooped pastors lately and I’ve chanced upon Mrs Rivers’ newest novel in waiting in the bookshop for my friend… And I’ve been thinking a lot about the ministry and relationships and my own failings in seeking God.

This evening, I lay on my bed and talked to God a while. It’s been a while since I laid myself open to the voice of the Holy Spirit for any long amount of time. My 5 o’clock-ISH prayer time has been iffy for a while. Although I have still heard and sought and learned from God, I know I want to do more. And he pointed out to me what I was forgetting to do so often.

And as I asked God and myself how I could be used, and how I could give, I shut my eyes again. God doesn’t always give me a picture in my head but when he does, they stay in technicolor for years afterwards. Well, scratch that. They never leave.

IF we gave him everything – what would that look like? It would mean giving him my past, present and future. And it looked like a large oil spill to me. Broken, sticky, messy and slightly irretrievable?

But it’s the easiest thing to set on fire.

That was lesson number 1. That’s what I’m going to have to try to let happen. Lesson number 2 was that spilling yourself out on the altar before God is a thing God loves. But he gives you commitments he expects you to honor too and, thinking in terms of a relationship, family, planning ahead for whatever God might have in store, probably means to me to make space for dependents, to make space for a partner and for parents and for children. So yes – the vision of serving God does change.  It is not less but it is different. There are things I may have hoped to do that I probably cannot do, just as much as there may be things others might have hoped to do. And I think that’s a lesson I’m continuing to learn. Hopefully I learn that alongside and together with someone! 🙂

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