In love

7 Mar

Confession: I run away from being vulnerable.

Relationship work makes me intensely vulnerable. All relationship work.

God is relationship work.

God is also my most secure, unchanging, unwavering shoulder to lean on. Read: He loves me like he’ll never let go. Because it’s just that – he won’t, even if I walk away. Back to the logic: God is my most secure relationship.

Therefore, God is the relationship that takes the back burner when I ‘run away’. In my warped human mind, he becomes the one I can afford to take for granted. He loves me enough – so I know I don’t need to pursue him, don’t need to seek him.

So wrong.

He is the one relationship I cannot afford to take for granted above any other. I need him to centre my days and I need to really be with him. Like Acts 4:13. For me, mainly. Because I need him that much. And yes – for him – to tell him I need him. And I forget it.

And then everything else takes a beating. This (Matthew 6: 33) came with a corollary.

 

Do you ever do that? I don’t know why I do it. To walk away from the one I love and need, because I can’t face everything else. I only know it’s terribly unhelpful. The most unhealthy way of coping.

So that’s why I haven’t blogged. I’ve been busy. I’ve been sad about things. I’ve been stressed. So I ignored my heart. And it’s taken me nearly 3 weeks to come sit at the feet of the Father, and rest in his love, and look. Simply look at him and feel my heart again.

And it only took me 5 minutes to know I love again. I never stopped loving, but I stopped holding it close, seeking it hard.

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