Memo

24 Jul

I’ve been reading this and it has been so timely. I’ve been touched also by Brad Strait’s honesty, humility and clear-headedness in his responses to comments.

I’m glad that some of us do a better job than me. 🙂

I am dragging my feet (and sometimes my sleepy body that won’t stand on the feet any longer) towards the end of a thesis. And I pray, I pray, I pray that this thing is beautiful in God’s eyes.

There. I said it. I’ve been holding it inside of me like an egg that won’t be laid, because the chicken’s always imagining foxes. Sometimes the foxes are real. 

Really, the thing at hand is so close to my heart because it’s God’s. I want it to be God’s. I want it to be uniquely, loudly, weirdly, beautifully God’s. Is that okay to say? I want it to speak truth not because I make it conform to my reading of the truth but because I know that the truth really will set free. And yet – it’s a thesis. It’s not theology. It’s not missions. It’s not a child. It’s not a family. 

But it is unequivocally what God’s given me at this point in my life and called me to. And I am so afraid that it won’t be everything it is meant to be because of my fear and my resistance and my lack of resistance.

No, I don’t quite see how my first sentence and the rest of my post are related and I can’t force a connection. I won’t because tonight I want to be honest. My mind is messy, so full of random things, so easily able to procrastinate, so easily able to be crippled by fear and so adept at finding excuses for impossibility. My mind has reality which isn’t always ordered – the tragedies that the world faces out of actions so meaningless and yet so full of evil intent; the tumour my neighbour’s child has and his brave assurance, ‘It’s ok. God spoke to me – I know I’ll become better’; and this beautiful, wonderful thing I have that God has called me to right now. My thesis.

I have been afraid to face the wonder of it, the magnitude of it, and the call of it too often. I usually am in life – I deny, I shirk, I run away until God’s gentle insistence slowly penetrates through my rather foggy brain. But God is a redeemer. And I am praying for redemption over and above all I ask or think – well, that’s what He promises, isn’t it?

And I am left with one week to finish an unfinished thesis and I’m screaming scared. But I trust that God can, God can do it. I will do it, because of him, because of nothing else really.

And I’m here to make this note to myself to say I owe this to him.

Advertisements

Join the conversation?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: