Cloudy

1 Apr

There are times when the silence is what I need, when my heart speaks inside itself, and God is in my heart and my heart is in him. Ensconced. 

The word reminds me of several layers of gentle wrapping, and being held close and deep. It comes from a Germanic word meaning a fortress and/or a bundle of sticks – and when I merge that image with the one in my head of my smallness and God’s bigness, there’s something very precious that kicks up in my heart in gratitude for his delicate, precious covering.

The silence is also sometimes when my heart is hurting and it doesn’t have the strength to speak. It doesn’t have the strength to string a sentence. 

Right now, it’s just a bit distant from the God I so love that I’m not quite able to speak in the Spirit in intimacy with him either. He would. I’m the one who feels distant and am assuming inability, except in short, silent little bursts of syllables of love and need.

Writing… writing is okay. Even if I don’t publish this, it matters not. Somehow sound is too… external. Perhaps this is why I write when it feels like cloudy weather in my soul. And I am blogless other times. 

And I must write, I must speak silence because of that same distance I’m feeling. It’s an apathy I do not want, and it’s a minute little smidgen of apathy every day and it’s a wonderful feeling after panic and pain, but a dangerously creeping cloudiness. No, it’s not there yet – but it is constantly what I know I must fight against as must most of us

Anyway, in the silence God hears what I do not speak and speaks what I don’t always have to hear. And slowly, slowly His voice becomes what I do hear and the clouds separate a little. In the silence, you can speak words even you cannot hear because you can’t make sense of words tonight.

You can’t create logical thought tonight. 

But you can speak and be heard. You can know the comfort of his listening presence. His ensconcing presence. I am heard, I am known. Even when I do not know myself, what I feel and why I am lost. I am known.

He knows me.

He’s found me. 

And that has never changed, ven when I check the facts.

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