Singing

14 Dec

I haven’t blogged since April.

Blogging is my way of speaking when my spirit hasn’t been seeking God as much as it is used to. It is like a baby when it’s being weaned off its milk – it’s something we want to do for a baby, not something we should ever want to do for us and your presence. I feel like my voice can’t find its notes after a long, unshakeable cold.

I warble a bit and then croak and break. That is sometimes my prayer to you. And when I get there, in a few days – gulp, weeks – of ‘less’, writing becomes easier.

You have been so so so incredibly good. There, I got teary after my second ‘so’. This year has been incredible because a lot of things have happened to be ‘in His time’ this year.

SD and I have been growing together in such a good way. We kinda needed that. We had a few stutters before. Thank you for telling us to not doubt. I think we just needed to listen to your voice more. I mean – just listen. To listen and not to be afraid and not second-guess you. Everything you’ve said has been beautiful and good and true.

Everything I’ve doubted has been hugged into the right place by you. I am so grateful.

All my questions – it’s as if you know they won’t stop but you’ll put up with it. As if you smile and wipe my face of all its tears and smile again. SD sometimes does that. Thank You for that.

You are so good to me. I’m remembering this, over and over again in this period of my life.

I got a visa this year. Not a UK visa as if that alone was what I aspired to but A visa, that allowed me to live and work in the place you wanted me to live and work in. In a place where you have given me love and family and a community. And when my heart aches for my little family, in India, you’ve given me hugs that work. Relentless hugs and smiles and laughter from friends. And space for the tears. A computer for the tears to find words across many cyber-miles.

And then this year, SD obeyed this word, that you – amazingly – whispered to both of us differently, separately, undiscussed. A rather incredible word that reminded me of this. Maybe it did or maybe it should have, because then I should have remembered this. I don’t know if I did in some clear moments but I did cry and wonder and wait and watch while your presence held me, like a blanket. You held me into trust.

This year, we got engaged.

Last night, I saw my first shooting stars. And Jupiter. With SD.

And this year, Christmas – beautiful, beautiful Christmas – is back again and I am going home to India for the season and I am grateful again and again for this gift of you and its Christmas reminder.

I.love.you. and I’ve found my song notes again.

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