Promises and change

6 Apr

I promised to pray for people through Lent. I haven’t always kept the promise but I have had a few sessions of praying for the people who requested it. I’m starting to think the Lord takes my broken promises as long as they keep mending.

There is a promise I mean to mend. I made it about 18 years ago and I kept it for about 10. Ever since I ‘grew up’, I’ve had so many other things to do. Inviting people home, going to their homes, cleaning our home. I think you grow up and you don’t always know how to cope. You keep needing to find jobs, courses, careers, frequently money, neighbourhoods, research projects, hobbies.

I did. And the promise I made was to pray for at least an hour every day at 5 pm. There I said it. It was just the time I came home from school, and had had a quick snack. And I couldn’t wait for time alone with the Lord. I usually went up on the rooftop. Sometimes as a ten-year-old I stayed up there for 3 hours or so (my parents started to worry about what I was doing up there).

I’ve broken that promise. Stuff happened, changes, my timings changed and I couldn’t quite cope with the slight tremors of change in life. I moved countries, time zones, needed to find dedicated time to talk to family, and I had to organise everything independently suddenly – food, cleaning my whole living space on my own, research on my own, make my own course and negotiate a new culture.

And all the time I have wanted to go back. Now, 7 nearly 8 years later, maybe I need to fall in love with the Lord differently as the adult me. I have never not been in love with the Lord. I have never fallen out of love. I can say this from the bottom of my heart with little pride and all the pain of a broken promise. I have loved him. Because he first loved me, but I have LOVED him. But now, intentionally, with the tip of a long unraveled thread that leads back to the beginning, a still intact ball of yarn, I might try mixing yarns a bit. One with a different give. One in love as a woman, with a woman’s analogies, a woman’s desires, hurts, joys and remonstrances. Perhaps I’ve not quite seen how our conversation has changed, I’ve never viewed it and loved it and driven with it.

Perhaps I need to welcome change. I may not blog here again.

Change is coming. Oh, and I got married since my last post.

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