Tag Archives: dating

Keeping It Wise

20 Mar

I had a Skype date with one of my best friends – she’s pretty close to being best, except there’s God and all that ๐Ÿ˜‰ and there might be a guy in the offing, ya never know! And I’d like him to be a best friend too… I’m conscientious about these things ๐Ÿ˜€

Anyway, the K-dawg and I got down to it and sniffled our way through her early Sunday morning and my powdery face mask, with video off and on… We talked among (MANY) other things about passive-aggressiveness and intimacy (however minimal) before marriage. Now the one only relates to the other in this: a mutual friend entirely disagrees – or equally possibly, resents – K’s closely held views on the subject, but instead of confronting her disagreement, she makes jibes at the invalidity of her position… And I share it in the hope that any one who reads this will disagree or agree (phew!) without discounting it ๐Ÿ˜€

Well, before we go further, I shared K’s position. We might have minor differences but in general, we agree on that one. I’m not in agreement entirely with some of the theology in this subject but there is validity, although it is highly personal.

We were talking about a couple at Oxford that we knew that had a no-kissing policy until marriage. I actually know a few others like this – and I think it’s awesome. Quite simply, I do not want to be able to compare an experience.ย K shared how she was glad that a friend she’d known had held to that policy for her and him, when she was new to Christ. She is so grateful although she wasn’t then… It isn’t just kissing – haha, I am neither so legalistic nor trivial. It is a personal judgement we make for ourselves of course, but it is something we do need to think about and too often we have forgotten to think about it, deliberately. And I think it depends on the person entirely. If you can shrug off the intimacy, and you know that there is a different level of emotional giving that is solely for the woman or the man you marry – hey, go you ๐Ÿ˜‰

I know that I regret every moment I spent not seeking God, before he found me. I know I would regret every moment of seeking someone else, who wasn’t it… I am entirely in favour of relationships with the opposite sex where we get to know them, socially, in mutual contexts, interactionally, as a friend and people we share our thought lives with. These help us grow. I am even in favour of seeking each other – taking one man and woman now – with intention, honouring each other but asking to know more about the every day person, the interests, the thoughts, the ideas and the passion for God in the other person. The relationship they have with God that defines them – because it defines you. These help us grow and mature, and love within Christ, honourably. But to imagine more without a God-confirmation, to give covenantally without a covenant… It isn’t just physical, it’s emotional and to that extent, spiritual.

If the relationship of a man and woman on earth is a metaphor of that between God and us – take it seriously, take it personally. I have to remind myself: Stop abstracting it. He wasn’t looking just for a dating relationship, he wasn’t looking for a maybe. He wanted us and he asked us to choose. It’s God, you know – he’s a jealous God… You just – you just don’t touch that.


My heart’s staying

28 Nov

I’ve been thinking about all the reasons why ‘relationship’ sites may and may not work for single girls like me. Single and content, that is. Single and happy is different from single andย resistant… Before we get any further, I have to tell you that I did try the whole thing out for a very brief period. That was a personal exercise, something of a step of humility… That story – later. And I also have to say it was great and some of the guys I met (virtually) were fantastic. They shared my faith, were intelligent, well-adjusted and great friends – and no, they weren’t there as a last resort. There are reasons it might work. But here are some of the reasons why online I-don’t-like-to-call-them-dating services did not and might not in the future! These are honest, real and straight out of my curly-haired head.

Firstly, I am one of those people who thinks that this may be just another context for God to use in meeting the right person. Just. Another. Context. So sometimes, I worry about creating expectations in the people whom I do meet. Some people understand that I really do mean what I say about being friends, honouring God… I am able to refrain from giving myself emotionally and spiritually until I know from God. I try – and the rest of any ability I have is through Christ who gives me strength. But what if the people I am talking to don’t? Sometimes they don’t and they do really expect more than a let’s-see-if-there’s-anything-more-to-it attitude.

This brings me to a frequently encountered problem in mine and – I am glad to have recently found – others’ lives. I am just that kind of girl who will not take kindly to being told you love me lightly. No. Go away! Lol. People are conditioned by advertising and peer talk to assume that because a website is billed as ‘serious’, they are meant to fall in love and confess it right away. Should we not be ‘serious’ in our undertakings in such an area before the commercials tell us to anyway? And shouldn’t being serious entail committing every detail to the Lord and letting him speak to you? If you have ever – ever – felt the twinge of attraction that you feel now… DON’T tell the girl you love her. I don’t care if it hurts to keep it in – you would if you did love her until you knew that God had confirmed it to both of you, until you knew that this was in his perfect will and you would be popping a proposal in a little while! We’re meant to protect the ones you love and even on a sister-friend basis, the protection rule applies! Comprende? ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t think I ever want to hear ‘I love you’ in a romantic sense from anyone but the man that God has chosen for me to marry… I don’t want anything but the forever kind of love. And I don’t want to practise while I wait. I think girls do it to guys too – we treat them like they are our forever, before we know.ย If my guy (*dreamy eyes*) never shows up – you know what? That’s okay because I have met the greatest love of my life in Jesus. I fell hard when I was 10, and I won’t ever recover… ๐Ÿ˜‰

Another reason is that I am fulfilled and happy. I am living the life God has called me to or moving toward it. I am seeking his service. I am finding fellowship. I am excited about finding my someone, in God’s time! I do worry sometimes whether this is only me – am I insensible to a man’s interest, do I block off falling in love out of fear, am I not stepping out in faith? Am I different from other girls? Am I a block of ice? Haha – this last one makes me laugh. I have some guy friends and I think they would gladly testify that I am not unfriendly, not stand-offish and my family and all my friends will tell you I am no block of ice. I have been known to cry for Disney… ‘Nuff said *sheepish smile* But that goes to prove that it’s not wrong… Some of my reading and interpretation of the Bible have led me to decide on this course… Maybe it helps that I grew up in a fairly conservative, Indian home too! No, I am not a block of ice. Yes, I am just as responsive as girls are to men who show them that they think they’re beautiful and intelligent. But that is as much as I would expect from a brother and a friend. I do not give to everyone who looks at me with interest a special part of my heart. I’m saving it, trite as that sounds. Less trite is the fact that I can be objective and not let my emotions or the magic of the moment lead my head. Maybe I even theorise too much sometimes ๐Ÿ˜‰ But unless you have committed it to God, prayed about it, examined your feelings and know me pretty well to not see me on a pedestal or pick me because of my colour, speech, location or some other such superficiality – yes, I probably am going to avoid you on Facebook and other places. Because I really want to try to honour you and to honour God. Okay? Thanks!

TBC… (I’m out of time!)

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